This past year...
So much has happened since I started this blog last year but this has been the biggest and hardest time for me.
On the 9th of April 2016 my Dad sadly lost his battle with many illnesses at the age of 68. It's been a very difficult year for us all trying to come to terms with our loss, the world really felt like it had crumbled around us. We knew it was coming but nothing at all can prepare you for losing someone so important and very loved. I miss him everyday and have so much I want to share with him, like when my Children say something about School I think he'd be interested in or something silly that happened... I feel so lost at times and empty it really is a huge part of me that has gone, I have always been such a Daddy's girl. My Children amaze me at how well they have understood and coped with the loss of their Granddad aka Jarjar (my Son's name for him, no idea how he got that from Granddad but as a baby that's what he called him and it stuck) Children are so understanding and compassionate they pick up on so much more on how we are feeling than adults do I think.
My amazing Dad gave his body to science so we never had a funeral so instead we had a big garden party with bright colours to celebrate his life. It was strange not saying goodbye at a funeral but it was lovely and the turn out was much more than I thought. He was a very loved man and sorely missed by so many.
Grieving has been a whirlwind to begin with I couldn't sleep, eat or function at all, I've suffered with anxiety attacks and still get insomnia, I go from sobbing to angry at the world. They say it gets easier and I hated people telling me that because it just kept getting harder and harder but months passed and it did get a little easier with a few awful days here and there. You just have to go with it and I've learned not to plan much as cancelling on Friends and family just makes you feel even worse for having a 'bad day'. Anxiety attacks are far and few now but the first time I had one I thought I was in need of an ambulance but I rushed out the house (in my pjs oops) to get my lungs full of fresh air, I felt like my heart was beating so fast I had a pain in my chest and all down my arms my Son said I went white, he looked after me as I stood in the cool fresh air and I just took slow deep breaths and after a few minutes I felt fine albeit very shaken. I've never experienced anything like this before but had a few since but less scared now I know it's anxiety and not a heart attack. I had another attack when in the card shop buying Christmas cards and saw one for Dad... Christmas was very hard for us all this year, Our 1st without our beloved Dad, Granddad and my poor mum without her Husband. Past couple of years my Dad had spent Christmas in hospital, so not having to go back and fourth visiting him was strange as and not having him with us at all was heartbreaking, My Children (the only Grandchildren for my parents) kept us all busy and happy but we all kept thinking of him throughout the day. We talk about him all the time, that way he is always with us.
So now we are just over 10months without my beloved Dad and things have got a little easier, anxiety is a lot better and insomnia improving... anger has gone but not a day goes by that my heart sinks knowing he will never come home and we will never be able to hug him and talk to him... so instead we talk about the things we want to tell him together as a family.
We finally got my Dad home and we have bought him an Urn that we felt represented his personality, he was a family man, loved being outdoors on long walks with the family, loved nature and animals and science. So we chose an Urn called the Tree of life. Perfect for him we think. My Parents both want there ashes spread together through out beautiful woods called Whistly woods near where my Dad grew up, they often went for walks there and my Dad and his siblings and friends played there often as Children. It's somewhere we can visit often too, in the spring it has a blanket of blue bells spread through out its stunning.
If I could give any advice on grieving it would always be to give yourself plenty of time and never be hard on yourself, it's a long hard process and you need to ride the storm out to heal, don't rush it or make yourself feel bad for not being able to do things or see friends etc... just take it day by day your family and friends will be there to support you every step of the way.
Jx
So much has happened since I started this blog last year but this has been the biggest and hardest time for me.
On the 9th of April 2016 my Dad sadly lost his battle with many illnesses at the age of 68. It's been a very difficult year for us all trying to come to terms with our loss, the world really felt like it had crumbled around us. We knew it was coming but nothing at all can prepare you for losing someone so important and very loved. I miss him everyday and have so much I want to share with him, like when my Children say something about School I think he'd be interested in or something silly that happened... I feel so lost at times and empty it really is a huge part of me that has gone, I have always been such a Daddy's girl. My Children amaze me at how well they have understood and coped with the loss of their Granddad aka Jarjar (my Son's name for him, no idea how he got that from Granddad but as a baby that's what he called him and it stuck) Children are so understanding and compassionate they pick up on so much more on how we are feeling than adults do I think.
My amazing Dad gave his body to science so we never had a funeral so instead we had a big garden party with bright colours to celebrate his life. It was strange not saying goodbye at a funeral but it was lovely and the turn out was much more than I thought. He was a very loved man and sorely missed by so many.
Grieving has been a whirlwind to begin with I couldn't sleep, eat or function at all, I've suffered with anxiety attacks and still get insomnia, I go from sobbing to angry at the world. They say it gets easier and I hated people telling me that because it just kept getting harder and harder but months passed and it did get a little easier with a few awful days here and there. You just have to go with it and I've learned not to plan much as cancelling on Friends and family just makes you feel even worse for having a 'bad day'. Anxiety attacks are far and few now but the first time I had one I thought I was in need of an ambulance but I rushed out the house (in my pjs oops) to get my lungs full of fresh air, I felt like my heart was beating so fast I had a pain in my chest and all down my arms my Son said I went white, he looked after me as I stood in the cool fresh air and I just took slow deep breaths and after a few minutes I felt fine albeit very shaken. I've never experienced anything like this before but had a few since but less scared now I know it's anxiety and not a heart attack. I had another attack when in the card shop buying Christmas cards and saw one for Dad... Christmas was very hard for us all this year, Our 1st without our beloved Dad, Granddad and my poor mum without her Husband. Past couple of years my Dad had spent Christmas in hospital, so not having to go back and fourth visiting him was strange as and not having him with us at all was heartbreaking, My Children (the only Grandchildren for my parents) kept us all busy and happy but we all kept thinking of him throughout the day. We talk about him all the time, that way he is always with us.
So now we are just over 10months without my beloved Dad and things have got a little easier, anxiety is a lot better and insomnia improving... anger has gone but not a day goes by that my heart sinks knowing he will never come home and we will never be able to hug him and talk to him... so instead we talk about the things we want to tell him together as a family.
We finally got my Dad home and we have bought him an Urn that we felt represented his personality, he was a family man, loved being outdoors on long walks with the family, loved nature and animals and science. So we chose an Urn called the Tree of life. Perfect for him we think. My Parents both want there ashes spread together through out beautiful woods called Whistly woods near where my Dad grew up, they often went for walks there and my Dad and his siblings and friends played there often as Children. It's somewhere we can visit often too, in the spring it has a blanket of blue bells spread through out its stunning.
If I could give any advice on grieving it would always be to give yourself plenty of time and never be hard on yourself, it's a long hard process and you need to ride the storm out to heal, don't rush it or make yourself feel bad for not being able to do things or see friends etc... just take it day by day your family and friends will be there to support you every step of the way.
Jx
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